You Don’t Always Have To Win
It’s okay. We still love you. You do not always have to win.
There are those of us who are competitive, and then there are those of us who are really, really competitive. The ones that cannot stand to lose. The ones that absolutely, barring any cost, consideration, or rules, must win. Must.
In the effort of trying to win everything every time you burn bridges, you destroy friendships, you make relationships suffer. Winning at all costs is not a rational decision.
Inter arma enim silent leges — Cicero ~60AD
Specifically translated — “for among [times of] arms, the laws fall mute.” Loosely interpreted as ignoring the rules, win no matter what, win at all costs.
Winning. Winning is the only option in your eyes. You always have the first word, always having the last word, always being right — even when wildly wrong. Making your point louder does not mean it is more right. Talking over the top of others is not making it correct. Repeating it many times does not turn fiction into fact.
Winning is everything. If you are in a conversation in public, or with your friends or peers, you continually one-up them. You are not trying to keep up with the Joneses, because you are the Joneses!
You have a better car, a better job, a better life, a better child, a better spouse. Better than everyone else. No matter what anyone says, you have a better response.
Example:
Average Person — Oh man, my legs hurt from exercising…
Winning person — Well, I broke both my legs last night while I was trying to squat a semi-truck after running a marathon
BAM! Sit down, junior!
Because you want to win everything makes it even more ridiculous when you try to act like you are a member of the team. That you are someone who enjoys and supports collaboration. You are not an “A type” person you are an “A++” type person.
Take the mask off and review this from their (losing) worldview. It is hard to do. You have to tap into a term called empathy to view it from their shoes. Mastering empathy allows you to take another’s perspective. It allows you to win.
Recognizing the other’s view can become your own. You become connected to other feelings, although not agreeing with them, stomping their idea into the ground is not winning. You learn to communicate properly, and everyone needs to be seen and heard. Yelling them down does not win. Talking over them does not win. Asking them what they think, but ignoring what they said is not winning. Stop trying to win the battle, for the sake of losing the war.
You can win at a cost. Ignore the terms ANY and ignore ALL. That difference is not insignificant. Those three-letter words have a major impact on the decision to win.
Winning does have a cost, and sometimes to win, you have to lose. You have to make sacrifices. You have to make hard choices. You have to stifle that ego. You have to understand the importance of relationships, because relationships matter.
Of course, winning at all or any costs has both ethical and legal implications. Understanding the behavior that drives the cost of winning is necessary. Having the courage to have high ethical standards, the discipline to adhere to legal requirements keeps winning at all costs in check.
As a leader, recognize that certain rewards that are dangled like carrots will change behavior, in order to win, lines will be crossed.
To reach that big bonus at the end of the quarter, or the end of the year, the behavior will change. Quality will be suspect. Cut a corner here, cheat a little there. Stealing of customers, orders and ideas can become commonplace. You change behavior by measuring results.
Take the time to recognize how your winning behaviors can affect the others around you. It is good to win. It feels great to win. You need to recognize that you do not always have to win.
Go forth and be brilliant.
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